26 and counting.

Birthday blogs always leave me feeling philosophical about life. As each day passes and every moment fades into the next, never ceasing, never waiting, an overwhelming sense of perspective envelops me and my thoughts. Questions that I had not paid much attention to earlier, questions that I had always earmarked to be answered for when I was ‘older’ seemed to come back and haunt me now. What has my life meant to this world? Has my existence on the planet made it a better place to live? Or has it made it worse? What is my true purpose, my calling? And, most importantly, what do I intend to do with my time ahead?

As soon as I begin to ask myself such questions, several things became apparent to me almost at once: one, the fact that I was in a condition to worry about stuff like that meant I was already a privileged citizen – someone who was well fed, clothed, educated and had access to most creature comforts, unlike the majority of the country. Two, it meant that I was quickly becoming more independent about my decisions, unfettered from familial endorsement or reliance. And three, it also meant that I was growing older – a process the Indian audience is particularly fond of describing as becoming ‘mature’.

While I continued to ponder where the answers lay to the questions I sought, I began to realize something else – maybe the reason why I had kept procrastinating facing these questions was because I already knew the answers in the first place – and didn’t like them for what they were. Sure, I was an honors student with excellent habits; had a trusted circle of family and friends; and fortunately, had not deviated from the straight and narrow (at least, not yet). But, if I were to be asked to describe how I had made the world a better place, I disappointingly drew a blank.

In times of self-doubt, one's conscience automatically swings into overdrive and starts assuaging our fears and qualms – the mind's reflex action, or defense mechanism if you will. Mine told me that I was probably over-thinking things; that I was way too young and ingenuous to be worried about stuff I had no business being worried about. That may be true, but it did not change the fact that I still had no answer to my central conundrum. 

What was the point of writing all this down? Ultimately, I realized that while I may have been a model son, student or employee at different stages of my life, it still did not absolve me of the responsibilities that lay ahead for me. After all, I was a resident of the earth too, a unit of society, a citizen of the country - and that meant I had to do more. Coming to terms with it was the first step towards that realization – and it provides for a strangely sobering start to my 27^th year on earth.