Birthday
blogs always leave me feeling philosophical about life. As each day passes and
every moment fades into the next, never ceasing, never waiting, an overwhelming
sense of perspective envelops me and my thoughts. Questions that I had not paid
much attention to earlier, questions that I had always earmarked to be answered
for when I was ‘older’ seemed to come back and haunt me now. What has my life
meant to this world? Has my existence on the planet made it a better place to
live? Or has it made it worse? What is my true purpose, my calling? And, most
importantly, what do I intend to do with my time ahead?
As
soon as I begin to ask myself such questions, several things became apparent to
me almost at once: one, the fact that I was in a condition to worry about stuff
like that meant I was already a privileged citizen – someone who was well fed,
clothed, educated and had access to most creature comforts, unlike the majority
of the country. Two, it meant that I was quickly becoming more independent
about my decisions, unfettered from familial endorsement or reliance. And
three, it also meant that I was growing older – a process the Indian audience
is particularly fond of describing as becoming ‘mature’.
While
I continued to ponder where the answers lay to the questions I sought, I began
to realize something else – maybe the reason why I had kept procrastinating
facing these questions was because I already knew the answers in the first
place – and didn’t like them for what they were. Sure, I was an honors student
with excellent habits; had a trusted circle of family and friends; and
fortunately, had not deviated from the straight and narrow (at least, not yet).
But, if I were to be asked to describe how I had made the world a better place, I
disappointingly drew a blank.
In
times of self-doubt, one's conscience automatically swings into overdrive and
starts assuaging our fears and qualms – the mind's reflex action, or defense mechanism
if you will. Mine told me that I was probably over-thinking things; that I was
way too young and ingenuous to be worried about stuff I had no business being
worried about. That may be true, but it did not change the fact that I still
had no answer to my central conundrum.
What
was the point of writing all this down? Ultimately, I realized that while I may
have been a model son, student or employee at different stages of my life, it
still did not absolve me of the responsibilities that lay ahead for me. After
all, I was a resident of the earth too, a unit of society, a citizen of the
country - and that meant I had to do more. Coming to terms with it was the
first step towards that realization – and it provides for a strangely sobering
start to my 27th year on earth.
